Today was a shitty, shitty day. At work I had to go cry in my car for 10 minutes because the shit just kept hitting the fan. These people are professionals. They should know better than to just dump it on me right away. I need some time to transition. Some small tasks to learn the business, a few success stories. I just feel like I have no chance to succeed and it makes me doubt who I am.
The whole time I'm in my car all I can think about is how everyone is suicidal, just to what stage? Do you take crazy chances like walking in Warren after dark? Do you ever have just one too many but still drive? Ever swim out past the breakers and fear you can't get back in? Ever skydive, drive too fast, walk the edge of the roof?
I felt the blisters below the words a universe waiting to explode and I felt the words crawl out of my skull and now you know exactly what you should don't bother pretending I seem fine I like that I'm a mess I can't stand it much longer in my head I think it's time for bullets became so-so suicidal and now I know the ugly from the good
Then I come home to a mess the child left. She's calling for a curfew extension and I just don't care. I'm a bitch, she hates me, she hopes I die....makes two of us.
I know I need help but honestly that holds no appeal.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
And you are my...
defense.
Stupid song, still has the power to make me cry. It's been a shitty day. Everyone at work talking about their teenagers driving, getting jobs, being sweet, getting into "trouble". I could tell them about trouble but I swallow down the bitterness and make sympathetic noises.
On the way home I played Apathy followed by FOB's Golden. "And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies". That lyric gets me every time and I lose my happy thought. Not that it matters, we snorted the last of the pixie dust two days ago.
Got home to an email from Angel: "Are you ok? It's not what you've said, it's what you're not saying." I've talked to her twice this year. I must just exude misery.
Walked into the bathroom, hit play on the CD player. Bethannie had it paused on Defense. There were tears before I even processed what song it was. That piano intro just kills me. Because I know what's coming. So much innocence. It couldn't last. Remember when they....yeah...
And my mp3 player that hates me and wants me to die just put Hopeless between Apathy and Morella on my PSs playlist. Here dear, come visit us....come down, slowly sinking. Depressed yet? Here's a razor. Do what comes naturally. That's my girl.
I love this journal because it's private and I can just tell it everything. Still I censor myself. Guess that answers the question "who are you trying to fool?" Not really fooling anyone, least of all me.
Were we ever Hopeless? Did we ever really love God as much as we thought we did? I remember being so angry because I couldn't understand his fucking plan. We were such a bunch of idiots, hypocrites. Corrupt and exalted. We were so insignificant and worthy. Is there any bigger rush than to be angry at God? Far better to feel his hand smashing you into the ground than to feel... Well that's just it, isn't it? I don't know how I feel. Like He's gone. No longer looking over us. No longer chastising us or granting wisdom. Life ended but I didn't realize it. God's done with me now.
Stupid song, still has the power to make me cry. It's been a shitty day. Everyone at work talking about their teenagers driving, getting jobs, being sweet, getting into "trouble". I could tell them about trouble but I swallow down the bitterness and make sympathetic noises.
On the way home I played Apathy followed by FOB's Golden. "And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies". That lyric gets me every time and I lose my happy thought. Not that it matters, we snorted the last of the pixie dust two days ago.
Got home to an email from Angel: "Are you ok? It's not what you've said, it's what you're not saying." I've talked to her twice this year. I must just exude misery.
Walked into the bathroom, hit play on the CD player. Bethannie had it paused on Defense. There were tears before I even processed what song it was. That piano intro just kills me. Because I know what's coming. So much innocence. It couldn't last. Remember when they....yeah...
And my mp3 player that hates me and wants me to die just put Hopeless between Apathy and Morella on my PSs playlist. Here dear, come visit us....come down, slowly sinking. Depressed yet? Here's a razor. Do what comes naturally. That's my girl.
I love this journal because it's private and I can just tell it everything. Still I censor myself. Guess that answers the question "who are you trying to fool?" Not really fooling anyone, least of all me.
Were we ever Hopeless? Did we ever really love God as much as we thought we did? I remember being so angry because I couldn't understand his fucking plan. We were such a bunch of idiots, hypocrites. Corrupt and exalted. We were so insignificant and worthy. Is there any bigger rush than to be angry at God? Far better to feel his hand smashing you into the ground than to feel... Well that's just it, isn't it? I don't know how I feel. Like He's gone. No longer looking over us. No longer chastising us or granting wisdom. Life ended but I didn't realize it. God's done with me now.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Lost
Lost: Little girl with big brown eyes and an easy smile. If you've seen her, return her back to 2001. Is that really when it fell apart? Peeled apart. Eroded, one pebble at a time. I should have seen it happening. Should have stopped it. I was too busy just surviving, too busy failing to survive.
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