And you are my...

defense.

Stupid song, still has the power to make me cry. It's been a shitty day. Everyone at work talking about their teenagers driving, getting jobs, being sweet, getting into "trouble". I could tell them about trouble but I swallow down the bitterness and make sympathetic noises.

On the way home I played Apathy followed by FOB's Golden. "And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies". That lyric gets me every time and I lose my happy thought. Not that it matters, we snorted the last of the pixie dust two days ago.

Got home to an email from Angel: "Are you ok? It's not what you've said, it's what you're not saying." I've talked to her twice this year. I must just exude misery.

Walked into the bathroom, hit play on the CD player. Bethannie had it paused on Defense. There were tears before I even processed what song it was. That piano intro just kills me. Because I know what's coming. So much innocence. It couldn't last. Remember when they....yeah...

And my mp3 player that hates me and wants me to die just put Hopeless between Apathy and Morella on my PSs playlist. Here dear, come visit us....come down, slowly sinking. Depressed yet? Here's a razor. Do what comes naturally. That's my girl.

I love this journal because it's private and I can just tell it everything. Still I censor myself. Guess that answers the question "who are you trying to fool?" Not really fooling anyone, least of all me.

Were we ever Hopeless? Did we ever really love God as much as we thought we did? I remember being so angry because I couldn't understand his fucking plan. We were such a bunch of idiots, hypocrites. Corrupt and exalted. We were so insignificant and worthy. Is there any bigger rush than to be angry at God? Far better to feel his hand smashing you into the ground than to feel... Well that's just it, isn't it? I don't know how I feel. Like He's gone. No longer looking over us. No longer chastising us or granting wisdom. Life ended but I didn't realize it. God's done with me now.