Ignore me

Because it doesn't hurt. I know all about cycles and circles and roller coaster ups and downs. I know you'll come around then walk away all over again. I don't care that I'm desperate for your attention, licking your boots like a servant. It's pitiful and needy and I don't fucking care. It's an act too, just one I'm good at.

I wish I felt annoyed. Or ashamed or self-righteous. I wish I felt just a flare of misguided indignation.


But all I feel is ignored.

And what will I do when you learn to fly?

Just realized that in September she'll be 18 and he'll be 28. That means I get to stop worrying about them both, right?

Well I'll probably always worry about my Monster.

But does he believe in me?

Spencer's Swingers qoute sent me spiraling in self-doubt and loathing. What a strange reaction to a movie I love. But lately I feel trapped in an endless loop. Where's the fucking groundhog?

Just waiting for Lucky Man to signal the next phase. Dread at war with apathy. I can't care. Can't exist if I don't care. Another door, plz?

Finding God in the desert, seeking Him in troubled times is NOT the same thing as faith.

Empathy in tidal pools

I don't think I'm allowed in your journal anymore because you don't respond. Because you lay your soul bare and when I try to cover it up just a bit with protective words or gentle kindness, you pretend I'm not there. I don't want to intrude. I never know my own strength of annoyance. I always want to be helpful more than I actually am.

Destruction with the best intent. You'd be right to send me away. You'd be missing out on the beauty of me.

Sometimes I think there are rainbows inside me dying and withering because I won't let them burst through. Sometimes I wish I had more people in my life, more to love, people to physically and mentally interact with.

Then I realize, I barely tolerate the ones I have. What is wrong with me?

That's not rhetorical. Feel free to answer. I'm much tougher than I seem. And if you're anonymous, I'll reject your answer for malice. But if you're named, I'll inspect your words for truth and apply them to life's lessons.

Who am I kidding? No one ever finds this journal. By design, by contempt. Just a test but no one's searching.

Ambisinister

Ambisinister - equally clumsy with both hands

That's actually a better description of me these days than sceaterian (shattered). I've kind of pulled myself together for the most part. Held together by twine and crazy glue and duck tape and wishes, but together.

Last night we danced around the house like lunatics and I missed it. I missed it so much. That freedom and simple enjoyment of just being together without the drama, without the aggression. Someday that child will realize what a gift I've given her by empowering her and allowing her to express her individual strength. To try not to judge her choices by my likes but rather by their impact on the world. My goal is to build a good person, not a clone of me. Today she abuses the gift but someday she'll appreciate it.

Because sometimes it's hard to separate the me from the we

If I could hold you close and tell you I understand what you're going through, it wouldn't be anything near what you need. But it also wouldn't be what I need.

Perceived rejection, how absurd and tainted are my emotions? But I would never intentionally upset you. I most probably would unintentionally. Better if I stay away. Better if we never played.

Falling into the same decay

Dude, dude, it’s all crashing around me.

I honestly am not sure how I’m going to survive.

But the public eye gets a happy face.

Insult to injury to insult to disgust.

I need you right now but you need me and neither of us has any strength to spare. It sucks that my timing is so bad. How dare I be selfish at such an inconvenient moment?


I can’t decide if I want to post PSs Decomposed or Bliss 66 Defense. When he’s good, his lyrics are perfect. I wish it was a YOMMIMS day instead.

My soul is hurting
And I know I cause my own disgrace
My eyes are blurring
As I strain to see beyond this place
And you know all too well that I don't know what to do
And I know all too well that I'm nothing without you.

I'm full of remorse
You don't even have to hurt my pride
These words aren't forced
I'm sewn open I have nothing left to hide
And you knew all too well that this is how it would be
And I knew all too well that it’d all come back to me

I lost all confidence, when I found my innocence
It fills my heart with openness
And you are my defense


I still cling to this song in moments of desperation. Like it could somehow force God to save me. But even he gave up on that thought. What did we miss, buddy? What did we lose because we too stubborn to make the pieces fit?