Because sometimes it's hard to separate the me from the we

If I could hold you close and tell you I understand what you're going through, it wouldn't be anything near what you need. But it also wouldn't be what I need.

Perceived rejection, how absurd and tainted are my emotions? But I would never intentionally upset you. I most probably would unintentionally. Better if I stay away. Better if we never played.

Falling into the same decay

Dude, dude, it’s all crashing around me.

I honestly am not sure how I’m going to survive.

But the public eye gets a happy face.

Insult to injury to insult to disgust.

I need you right now but you need me and neither of us has any strength to spare. It sucks that my timing is so bad. How dare I be selfish at such an inconvenient moment?


I can’t decide if I want to post PSs Decomposed or Bliss 66 Defense. When he’s good, his lyrics are perfect. I wish it was a YOMMIMS day instead.

My soul is hurting
And I know I cause my own disgrace
My eyes are blurring
As I strain to see beyond this place
And you know all too well that I don't know what to do
And I know all too well that I'm nothing without you.

I'm full of remorse
You don't even have to hurt my pride
These words aren't forced
I'm sewn open I have nothing left to hide
And you knew all too well that this is how it would be
And I knew all too well that it’d all come back to me

I lost all confidence, when I found my innocence
It fills my heart with openness
And you are my defense


I still cling to this song in moments of desperation. Like it could somehow force God to save me. But even he gave up on that thought. What did we miss, buddy? What did we lose because we too stubborn to make the pieces fit?

Look behind my smile, find the truth in my eyes

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake

Because apparently I'm 3

I'm eating a chocolate chip cookie and have chocolate all over my hands, face, shirt and computer.

Honestly, I haven't enjoyed something edible this much in years.

Very weird

Weird to see my name in a screen print about the epic feud of the century. I know no one will care or notice but it freaks me out. Do not want attention.

But Ryan Ross vs. Criss Angel? Cannot stop laughing. Especially at all the Monster Cock responses to Criss's chosen target. You know, wouldn't want him to injure his foot and impact his ability to levitate or anything.

The funniest part of all of this is that KELTIE found it first. I don't know if she follows Criss Angel or googles Ryan's name or what but either way, it all just strikes me as hilarious.

So it would be nice to believe that @brendonurie was legit but it's easier to believe he was fake. The thing is, it was fun to pretend to believe for a while. And the dude wasn't a jerk about it at all which keeps it enjoyable. He was just funny...and then weird when he deleted posts.

Anyway, feeling better but apparently not better enough to leave my bedroom. At least I made it out of bed...and as far as the computer. Tomorrow. I promise tomorrow I will actually make my lazy ass do something.

Why am I hiding here? I miss you, Min. I should post where you can find me. Email you, something. Just to reach out and feel a part of us again. Somehow it's safer to be a part of the giggling fan girls. ? Why do I suddenly think you're not safe?

Okay...

Watching Icehouse video and missing you. I can't find the CD to buy. I miss Heartbreak Kid like crazy. I miss you like crazy.

edit: I found the CD. Bought it. Will be reminiscing again soon.

The word 'excuse' has many names

Eleven things I need to say to various people but am just not brave enough.


1. You will always be number 1. In any list, in any priority, in any vague reference, you’re number 1. I love you and will support whoever you are today and whoever you become.

2. You just don’t see your true worth. It’s not tied up in who you’re attracted to. You’re closer to understanding it when you get excited about your job, your hobbies. You’re one of the few people I know that combined them and made it work. You’re closer when you geek out about movies and music and technology, even when I don’t understand. Your worth is who you are not what you are able to get from others.

3. I spent a lifetime not hating you. Now I wish I could.

4. We’re better together. I understand it’s a better fit for both of us in these different roles. Our paths diverged and our careers took separate turns. But we’re better together and I wish we could have stayed a team.

5. Oddly, #4 applies to both Marks.

6. You two are perfect together. You are an amazing example of love and support and happily ever after. But you can’t even tell your own families and that kills me. I wish you felt comfortable telling the world. I wish the world was comfortable hearing it. But I accept you and adore you. And I am learning to adore him because you do. Thank you for letting me benefit from your relationship.

7. I don’t make enough time for you. And that is my loss.

8. You can’t reach me here.

9. I expected more. I’ve learned to temper my expectations in almost everything but with you I expected more.

10. You think I’m co-dependent but I will only let you down.

11. Your words have always communicated my emotion, my logic, my very soul, better than my own. I steal them and sprinkle them throughout my world. Maybe someone can tell. Maybe you wouldn’t care.

Apparently the flu makes me verbose

The weird thing about the username sceaterian, is that it's all me. Blogs, LiveJournal, Twitter, forums, Yahoo, gmail, whatever, it's all me.

Except the one place you would look.


And that, my dear fucker, is called irony.

Giving in to the same decay

I feel so weird even commenting on Keltie's blog. It's like...I've become one of those creepy girlfriend stalkers that I despise. The ones that constantly profess their love for the girlfriends and it feels like some ploy to be just an inch closer to someone famous. But that's NOT my motivation. She's just cool. FAR from perfect and honestly, that's why I like her. If I had just randomly stumbled upon her blog, I would have asked her to be friends.

Which makes me regret my quick judgment of the girlfriend stalkers. Maybe their motives are pure and they just honestly admire these women (that they've never met or interacted with or probably ever will... yeah, exactly). Then again, I did have an entire conversation with Min about how HOT Haley is. :D

But discussing how gorgeous Haley is was just good fun. Keltie is another realm altogether. I honestly admire her spirit, the way everything she is and does and touches seems more vibrant than the world around her. Giant smile, high kicks, impossibly positive attitude. And I realize she sometimes uses it as a shield to guard her injured feelings but that's a much better choice than lashing out in anger or becoming bitter and spiteful. Just look at some of the horrible comments to her entries. A prime example of why it's important that she brushes off the negative comments, moves forward, always stretching beyond her reach, lest she become stagnant and miserable like those girls.

The thing is, she brings out my protective side. It's not fair that she has to deal with so much negativity. I just want to pick her up and dust her off and show her how beautiful she is every time someone lashes out or she has doubt or he does something stupid or someone (like me) thinks they have some insight into her life based upon nothing other than the filtered and scrubbed snippets they show us. Like I could ever possibly know her or understand their relationship. Or like she would even listen to my advice if I could reach her.

But I can't not try. It's sick. And kind of makes me hate myself.


The fact that this is in my private blog instead of my LiveJournal is probably a symptom of how it makes me doubt myself. The other places are for memories and hopes and dreams and terrible things I want to learn from or correct. This blog is for mistakes I'm not done making and wishes that never make it past my lips.


But I've said it before, I'm a complete and utter hypocrite. I can give you a thousand examples in my every day behavior and it won't even come close to exposing the true conflict at the very base of my soul. I can pretend to love God but he won't pretend to love me back.