The word 'excuse' has many names

Eleven things I need to say to various people but am just not brave enough.


1. You will always be number 1. In any list, in any priority, in any vague reference, you’re number 1. I love you and will support whoever you are today and whoever you become.

2. You just don’t see your true worth. It’s not tied up in who you’re attracted to. You’re closer to understanding it when you get excited about your job, your hobbies. You’re one of the few people I know that combined them and made it work. You’re closer when you geek out about movies and music and technology, even when I don’t understand. Your worth is who you are not what you are able to get from others.

3. I spent a lifetime not hating you. Now I wish I could.

4. We’re better together. I understand it’s a better fit for both of us in these different roles. Our paths diverged and our careers took separate turns. But we’re better together and I wish we could have stayed a team.

5. Oddly, #4 applies to both Marks.

6. You two are perfect together. You are an amazing example of love and support and happily ever after. But you can’t even tell your own families and that kills me. I wish you felt comfortable telling the world. I wish the world was comfortable hearing it. But I accept you and adore you. And I am learning to adore him because you do. Thank you for letting me benefit from your relationship.

7. I don’t make enough time for you. And that is my loss.

8. You can’t reach me here.

9. I expected more. I’ve learned to temper my expectations in almost everything but with you I expected more.

10. You think I’m co-dependent but I will only let you down.

11. Your words have always communicated my emotion, my logic, my very soul, better than my own. I steal them and sprinkle them throughout my world. Maybe someone can tell. Maybe you wouldn’t care.