Giving in to the same decay

I feel so weird even commenting on Keltie's blog. It's like...I've become one of those creepy girlfriend stalkers that I despise. The ones that constantly profess their love for the girlfriends and it feels like some ploy to be just an inch closer to someone famous. But that's NOT my motivation. She's just cool. FAR from perfect and honestly, that's why I like her. If I had just randomly stumbled upon her blog, I would have asked her to be friends.

Which makes me regret my quick judgment of the girlfriend stalkers. Maybe their motives are pure and they just honestly admire these women (that they've never met or interacted with or probably ever will... yeah, exactly). Then again, I did have an entire conversation with Min about how HOT Haley is. :D

But discussing how gorgeous Haley is was just good fun. Keltie is another realm altogether. I honestly admire her spirit, the way everything she is and does and touches seems more vibrant than the world around her. Giant smile, high kicks, impossibly positive attitude. And I realize she sometimes uses it as a shield to guard her injured feelings but that's a much better choice than lashing out in anger or becoming bitter and spiteful. Just look at some of the horrible comments to her entries. A prime example of why it's important that she brushes off the negative comments, moves forward, always stretching beyond her reach, lest she become stagnant and miserable like those girls.

The thing is, she brings out my protective side. It's not fair that she has to deal with so much negativity. I just want to pick her up and dust her off and show her how beautiful she is every time someone lashes out or she has doubt or he does something stupid or someone (like me) thinks they have some insight into her life based upon nothing other than the filtered and scrubbed snippets they show us. Like I could ever possibly know her or understand their relationship. Or like she would even listen to my advice if I could reach her.

But I can't not try. It's sick. And kind of makes me hate myself.


The fact that this is in my private blog instead of my LiveJournal is probably a symptom of how it makes me doubt myself. The other places are for memories and hopes and dreams and terrible things I want to learn from or correct. This blog is for mistakes I'm not done making and wishes that never make it past my lips.


But I've said it before, I'm a complete and utter hypocrite. I can give you a thousand examples in my every day behavior and it won't even come close to exposing the true conflict at the very base of my soul. I can pretend to love God but he won't pretend to love me back.